Forgiving
those who hurt you the most
How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me
when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who
has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months.
Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and
mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband
who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from
pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The
thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many
circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in
Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you.
Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics
which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the
question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four
actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the
most.
Pray
I
can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well,
yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The
first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you
deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I
could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may
very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the
person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be
too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start
somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is
simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer
however.
Check
out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through
the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our
weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-
yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an
awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace
with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our
time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we
can start with prayer!
Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You
It
may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however
it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is
less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all
sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do
you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be
deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male
prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards
nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what
some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified
in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check
out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts
we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering
heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out
verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you
were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by
the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people
we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend
forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to
extend forgiveness.
Seek Wise Counsel
The
words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel.
How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be
speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering?
That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who
fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing
the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when
someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as
forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the
place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of
forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is
not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s
job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some
people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention
the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or
two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a
part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom
and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his
client.
Knowing
this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise
counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work
through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this,
and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be
patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing
to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without
confronting the need to forgive.
Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are
forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does
not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy
when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang
joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the
thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You
can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the
depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I
kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and
night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of
summer.”
Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do
it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find
the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray,
Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the
joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!
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