Choosing A Marriage
That Matters:
“Healthy Pace Versus
Busyness”
A couple of weeks ago a good friend
of mine called me and, as he often does, had a ‘deep question’ for me. He asked, ‘What is the biggest threat to
marriages that you see?’ Without
hesitation I responded, “Busy Schedules”.
Does this
answer surprise you? Think about
it. Are you busy? I expect you answered, with both a hint of
pride and exhaustion, ‘of course I am’.
After all, you have a job, a home to keep clean, kids to shuffle to all
of their various activities, friendships to maintain, a marriage to keep
enjoyable, church activities, and at some point you have to sleep and eat. Life is really busy and it does not show
signs of slowing down anytime soon. As a
culture, were not sure if busyness is a badge of honor or a curse to avoid-
that does not help!
I have
watched this over the last several years as our three children have gotten
older and our lives have become increasingly busier. At times I feel like I am on a runaway train that
I cannot stop.
Have you
ever asked, what is all of this busyness
costing me? Do not be fooled, it is
costing you something! It is a basic law
of nature. When you say ‘yes’ to one
thing it means you must say ‘no’ to something else.
I have
found, both with the couples I counsel and in my own life, that often the things
I am saying ‘no’ to are more important than the things I am saying ‘yes’
to. On the surface it may not seem so,
but lets take a deeper look. Think back
to the activities that make you busy. I
expect much of it has to do with shuffling kids to activities that separate the
family rather than bring them together.
One kids goes to soccer, another to cross-country, and another to
piano. What does this do for bringing
your family together? How do you eat
meals together with a schedule like this?
When do you have time to just sit and enjoy a movie or read a book as a
family? What is the toll of all of these
activities on your energy level, on the kids, for the family? Do you even have significant family time each
day or week?
Unfortunately, and I am guilty of
this at times as well, we have bought the lie that busyness is a badge of honor
and the most important thing I can do for my KIDS is do as much as possible so
my kids are well-rounded. The reality is that is a lie, and it is no good for your
kids or marriage. All of these activities-your
activities and your kids activities- are the very thing that is tearing your
family apart. Research has shown time
and time again that the greatest gift you can give your child is a secure
attachment to mom and dad. This happens
one way- time together. Do not be
deceived into thinking that busyness and activities are the ticket. Busyness and Activities are the antithesis of
what your children really need.
In no way
am I saying activities are bad. There
are a plethora of positives that kids gain from being involved in sports,
music, and the arts. They are superb,
but great things can become awful if they begin to rule us, and detract from
the great.
If you want
a marriage that matters and a family that matters then let me offer three
suggestions that may help you control your busy schedule. One, determine
with your spouse each season what your schedule should look like. Take into account required activities, maybe
one of you has a demanding work project that you can’t get out of, maybe there
is a significant school project that is going to take more than the usual
amount of time. Consider what is on the
horizon and choose activities based on that.
Two, be willing to say no. Your kid may push back, but you are the
adult. You have the God-given
responsibility and the supposed maturity to see what your child cannot
see. If you determine a certain activity
is not best for your family then be adult enough to make that choice. I had a professor tell me one time, “You need
to say NO at least one time per day just to stay in the habit.” That is advice worth taking. Third, choose activities based on an
immovable set of convictions/priorities. This came to a head a couple of years ago
when our oldest son had the opportunity to play travel baseball. He loves baseball! His friends were playing and it would have
been a fun, enjoyable opportunity for him.
However, playing travel baseball would have gone against a couple of the
values we hold important in our family.
We believe worshipping together as a family with other believers is one
of the most important opportunities we have each weekend and we also believe
that as much as possible extra-curricular activities should be enjoyable for
the entire family. Carting Tallon off to
his games so our other two can watch
would not have been fair to them. As you
can imagine Tallon was not a fan of this decision, but it was rather easy for
us to make despite his opposition. We
had a set of values that guided the decision.
Saying ‘No’
to good things is not easy. You will
face peer pressure, kid pressure and at times may just feel like a lousy
parent, but keep the main thing the main thing and be willing to be bold so
that busyness does not become the death of a marriage or family that matters.
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