Choosing A Marriage That Matters: "Selfishness Versus Selflessness"

“Selfishness Versus Selflessness”

            Do you know the key to a great sex life with your spouse?  You should!  Guess what, the same key that makes your sex life great is the key that makes your marriage great.  Here it is- Seek to please the other person!-  Ultimately this is the key to a marriage that matters, but there is one small exception.  If pleasing your spouse violates a command from scripture choose Scripture, otherwise go with seeking to please the other person (spouse).

            As we continue to look at keys to Choosing Marriage that Matters, this week we come upon the principle that couples who have marriages that matter habitually choose selflessness over selfishness.  You are probably familiar with the Biblical teaching in Ephesians 5.  The jist of it is “husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church and wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord.”  What does that mean?  Well, I contend that the explanation of that passage is most clearly understood in another letter that Paul wrote.  We find in Philippians 2 the key. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  Philippians 2:3-4

           

This plays itself out in dozens of ways each day in your marriage.  Who bathes the kids?  Who takes out the garbage?  Who fills the car up with gas?  Who pays the bills?  You get the point.  There are literally dozens and dozens of choices every day where you can choose to serve yourself and your own interest or you can choose to seek to please the other person and ultimately God by dying to yourself.  Couples that are able to habitually choose selflessness over selfishness experience much greater satisfaction and joy in life and marriage than those who are self-serving.

My challenge to you today is to consciously choose to seek to please your spouse.  You will honor the Lord and be blessed as you do.

As always, if you have a question please email me at reeves.cannon@sandhurst.net

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Choosing A Marriage that Matters: "Communication Versus Letting it Go"

So you want your marriage to matter?  Great!  One of the best ways to ensure your marriage success is to earnestly seek authentic communication with your spouse every day.  It is said that money, sex, and in-laws are the leading cause of divorce in America, but I would argue that it is none of those “issues” that cause divorce, but rather it is inability to communicate over important matters that leads to divorce.

Every day you and your spouse have countless opportunities to make a choice between ‘doing the hard thing’ and communicating or saying quietly to yourself, ‘it’s really not that important, I’m tired, I’ll just let it go.’  I would submit to you that this attitude carried out over the course of just a few weeks could lead to devastating consequences.

The reason you married your spouse is because you loved being with them, sharing with them and dreaming with them.  When you first started dating, and even into the early years of your marriage you longed to just spend time with your spouse.  But now life is busy, the relationship feels relatively stable and what you use to talk about just seems not all that important in light of sleep, getting the kids to their activities and simply surviving the day.  It reminds me of an old Jeff Foxworthy joke.  He remarked, “When you are in your twenties and you have the choice between sex (communication) and sleep ( no communication) you choose sex (communication) every time.  When you are in your forties and you have that choice you choose sleep (no communication) and hope you dream about sex (communication)!”  Unfortunately, Jeff is not far off the mark here when it comes to sex and communication.

If you want a marriage that matters I implore you when life is busy, when it does not seem that important, when others things are pressing in STOP, do not let them.  Make the choice to communicate with your spouse.   Set aside the time.  Recognize that what is in the balance is much bigger than one conversation. It may seem minor to you, but if you continually drift in your communication you may become one of those divorce statistics.  Make the choice to communicate, not let it go!

Have thoughts about the BLOG?  Want to connect on social media.  Look for me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You can also always email me at reeves.cannon@sandhurst.net

           

Choosing a Marriage That Matters: "Intentionality Versus Aimlessness"

I am reading an excellent new book by Dennis Rainey titled, “Choosing a Life that Matters.”  I would highly recommend it.  In reading it it made me think.  What makes a marriage matter?  Over the next several weeks I want to write on this topic.  I hope it will encourage and challenge you as it has me.

Intentionality Versus Aimlessness

You have most likely heard it said before, “if you aim at nothing you will hit it every time.”  Have you ever applied that to your marriage?  I think it is crucial that you do! 

In the 21^st century we have allowed our lives to be way too busy (more on that in later blogs), and when life gets ‘crazy busy’ it is easy to go into survival mode and forget why we do what we do.  For our society and your marriage that is one of the most dangerous traps to fall in to.  The stories of folks who are in this trap sound something like this… 

John and Sally have been married for 13 years, have three kids, a demanding job or two, crazy activities and no time for much of anything, especially time to slow down, have deep conversations, and consider the purpose and trajectory of their marriage.

Can you relate?  I expect you can.  It describes most families today.  In light of that, I have a question for you.  Have you ever considered that God has a significant, eternal plan that He desires to work in and through your marriage?

Think about it this way, if God is in control of all things then He must be in control and have ordained your marriage to your spouse.  If that is true (and it is)it is equally true that there is nothing that God wastes- no experience (good or bad), no human (man or woman) and certainly no marriage (yours and mine).  He ordained marriage!  If that is true (and it is) then He ordained your marriage.  If that is true (and it is) then it is only right to ask ‘Why did He unite you and your spouse?’

What does God want to accomplish through your marriage?  This is a crucial question that I would strongly encourage you and your spouse to consider.  Knowing the answer to this question is the difference between a marriage that takes aim and hits its target and one that flounders and misses.  I am sure you are not reading this hoping that at the end of your life you can proclaim you had an aimless marriage.

Now I know that what I am encouraging you to do can be intimidating.  Especially if you and your spouse are not use to having these types of conversations, so let me give you a little direction on how to get started.

1.     Pick the right moment (not during a football game or when it’s the kids bedtime and all heck is breaking lose) and let your spouse know you read a blog about marriage and it made you think about your marriage.  Tell them, ‘I love you enough to want to talk about it.  This will not be a talk that condemns you or makes you feel like a failure.  It will be a talk about us and how we can be even better as a couple.’  Then ask, ‘when is a good time for us to have this discussion?’  Make a date to discuss and write it down.

2.     Let them know how they can read the BLOG if they want to read it before the date.

3.     Once on the date, give yourself at least an hour to talk about the questions below.

4.     Discuss these questions (questions below) and let the conversation take its natural course.

5.     Before leaving the first date set a firm day and time 4-6 weeks out to specifically follow-up on the questions you answered.  Keep having these periodic check-ins.  My wife and I do them one-two times a year now, but I encourage you to do it more frequently at first.

Questions to Consider to have a ‘on target’ marriage:

-       What do you want to be said about our marriage when we are old?

-       Is what we want to be said about our marriage consistent with what God’s word would want to be said about our marriage?

-       In light of our goal(s) are we on pace to accomplish it?  If not, what are one-two things we can change now to get on target?

That is it.  Dream, explore, discuss, PRAY.  It really is a freeing, invigorating exercise and creates so much intimacy between you and your spouse.  Make sure the items you choose to change are realistic and accomplishable.  Nothing is more demoralizing than setting a goal that is unrealistic.

As always, if you have questions shoot me an email at reeves.cannon@sandhurst.net 

All About Forgiveness...Part Five

WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF

It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.

THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN

Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.

CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN

Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.

PRIDE AND ARROGANCE

Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?

YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?

YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR

Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.

As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).